Welcome to my blog!

The art of blog posting has been lost on us in the recent years (largely due to social media platforms, I think) Here, I bring to you my thoughts and feelings. Maybe in the future I'll be able to set this up a bit nicer and make it easier on the eyes. Enjoy!

It's September 1st. The last update was a month ago. I had a sudden epiphany shortly after writing the post before this one and realized I didn't want to do an entire website on neocities. But who cares, it's not like anyone is actually going to see this. I'm currently on campus. My roommate moved in yesterday and I don't know how to feel about living with a complete stranger. She seems nice enough. Hopefully she doesn't find this blog. She won't, who am I kidding? Okay, I'll end this here. I only updated because I'm procastinating doing my calculus homework. Alright let me actually get going now. Bye

It's Janurary 15th, 2024. This website still looks awful LOL. Btw, update, I actually really like my roommmate. Shoutout REMOVED. You will never read this. I'm not sure why this site has 100 views, probably because I tagged it? But here are some more updates: I'm taking a web development class next semester, so maybe I can spruce up my website with the new skills I'll acquire. I've finished my NASA Program, and applied for 2 fellowships. Hopefully, those go well. I'm working on a project right now for my class. Oh, and how could I forget: There is so much drama in my dorm right now. I always thought that I was above petty 'girl fights' but it seems that I'm not. I think it will get better soon, though. Oh, and another thing. I have the biggest crush on Adam Driver. I don't know why but hes so cute. This sounds so silly haha. I don't wanna write anymore. But I love this idea of having a blog. Why did people stop doing this?? Well anwyays.. BYE! OHH AND HOW COULD I FORGET!! I went vegan. Don't have much to say on that. BYE FOR REAL :P

It Wednesday, March 6th, 2024. I just remembered this website exists. The entry above this one is so hectic. My roommate jokes that I have ADHD and now i finally see what she's talking about. Anyways, updates: I am still vegan. I still think Adam Driver is cute. I got accepted to one of the two fellowships and am still waiting to hear back from the other one. I don't feel like writing anymore. I will probably take this site off of neocitires. but before I do, I want to know if anyone is even out there reading this. If you are, follow me on ig @REMOVED .. BYE!

It's Tuesday, June 18th, 2024 (my brothers birthday!!). Today was a terrible day. I'm doing my first ever software engineering internship and let's just say, I'm not having the best time. There's a huge learning curve because I'm working with a lot of technologies that I haven't used before. To cut to the chase, it seems like the other interns are doing much better than I am. One of them already finished one of her projects, and the other is making really great progress on her project, meanwhile I'm just here... It sucks because during the intern stand up meetings, their mentors are always preening over how good they're working and how the project is going, and mine are just silent. Of course I know that it's my fault but it's not like I can help it. They're doing (relatively) easier projects than I am. Or at least that's what I tell myself to make myself feel better. I cried so much today. I felt so stupid. Tomorrow (after I get my braids) Im gonna work 2x as hard. I need to catch up. It's not a good feeling when you're behind. Also, there is ZERO way I'm getting a return offer. LITERALLY ZERO. My mentor thinks I'm stupid (he hasn't said it obv but he basically dumbed down the project and straight up switched my other project and its definitely because he thinks I'm not smart enough to do it ... 'too much context to explain' my ass... ) I'm always making silly mistakes. I honestly feel like I don't belong here. I'm not as good as everyone else is and it's so evident. I wanna cry again. I was thinking today that maybe I'm probably not meant to be a software engineer. I'm struggling this bad and this is only an internship. Sometimes I think of smart people I know in real life and how they'd 100% preform 10x better than me on this internship. I think alot about the opportunities I've been given and truly believe that I don't deserve it. Any of it. I really do think that. Everything that I have I always wonder what one earth did I do to deserve this? and the answer is nothing. because i dont deserve it. theres this saying i read once, let me see if i can find it. "its a fitting punishment for a monster. to want something so much - to hold it in your arms - and know beyond a doubt you will never deserve it". i remember reading this and feeling not only bad but relieved because it perfectly explains how i feel towards everything i have. i deserve none of it. and i cant help but think that there are people who need it more than me. so why do i have this thing? why not them? and its even worse when its clear as day that you do not deserve it. maybe im being dramatic, but its really how i feel. its how ive felt my entire life. im not sure if ill ever get rid of this feeling. i dont think this is imposter syndrome. its worse. this is gonna be a long summer.
btw, i'm not vegan anymore.
cya.